Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
this boner is exhausting
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
