I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
