Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
