life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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