Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
