shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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