Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
