My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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