Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
