I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize