I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
