Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
