I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
bring money and cleavage
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
