I swear she didn't look like that last week.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
