so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
