the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize