I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
