Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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