btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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