Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
