The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We're too hungover to prance.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
