We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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