This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
