The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
