I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i will never coherently bang her
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
