I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
