please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
