too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
