Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
