Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
