If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Sext me about skeletons
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
