mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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