I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
