dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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