So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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