And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
