i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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