We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
