so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
