Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
