this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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