matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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