I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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