OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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