ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize