no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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