9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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