I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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