Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
