this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
