Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
