Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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