what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
