i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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