woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
