I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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