Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize