i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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