your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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