tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
birth control should be required to get into college
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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