I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
