If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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