How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
