She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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