I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize