i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
