drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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