dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
